ghost town studio | gts magazine

Days after merger announcement, Sears shocks Chicago!

by Matthew Rasnake | November 22, 2004

Chicago, Ill -- In a surprise public appearance this morning at the base of the Sears Tower, Chairman of the newly named Sears Holdings, Inc., Edward Lampert announced the new company's ambitious plans for the future of one of the most recognizable skyscrapers in the world.

"We are moving now on many levels," stated Lampert, "only one of which is the radical redistribution and rebranding of our physical retail spaces in small towns across America." Just a scant two days ago, the world was shocked by news of the resurgent mega-retailer KMart's merger with fellow lower-rung rival Sears. "We are tired of being the bastard children of the retail world. There's only so many 4th place victories one company can take. That's even more distressing when it's actually two companies, and the victories take place just shy of bankruptcy court."

In recent years, both companies have struggled to maintain a footing in an aggressively competitive marketplace, while attempting to retain a positive commercial image for the consumer. This bold new plan, may just catapult them back into the forefront of many consumer's minds--especially Chicagoans. Said Lampert, "We intend to renew the vitality of our brands--by force if necessary--and to replace the average consumer's general vision of us as a low-class has-been with a new vision of us as a strong vibrant company with more class than Tar-jay, and better prices than Wally-world."

"What we're proposing is really quite simple." Alan Lacy, former chairman of Sears and new CEO of Sears Holdings, explains the plan to a group of reporters. "We'd like to change the name of this prestigious building, rebranding it in the spirit of our merger and new outreach to American consumers. We're also planning on converting the 95th - 100th floors into our first joint Sears/Kmart location." Lacy provided conceptual illustrations of the planned rebranding effort, including a proposal for additions to the building's exterior.

When called regarding this story, John Dempsey, Senior Leasing VP at Sears Tower said, "That's the first I've heard of this."

Lacy responded to a reporter's question regarding the validity of plans to rename a building that is not actually owned by Sears, Kmart, or anyone associated with the company, he stated simply that "there are still a few details to work out, but we're confident that we can make this happen."

Lampert also replied, but directed his remarks to Lacy, "Alan, what are they talking about?"

To which Lacy responded, "Don't worry about it, they're idiots."

At that point, several official looking individuals emerged from the building and approached the Chairmen. "You'll have to vacate the premises, sirs, we have specific rules against loitering and obstructing the entranceways."

Following the announcement, this reporter also attempted to contact Kmart fashion maven Martha Stewart for an outsider's perspective on these developments, but were told by someone who identified herself only as "Miss Margaret" that, "Her Ladyness won't be able to speak to you, as she's currently demonstrating the many uses of a homemade shiv in the preparation of summer squash."

In a written statement received just before taking this article to press, the Chicago Skyline Preservation Society announced that "any attempts to pollute the beauty of the Chicago skyline with such unmitigated corporate overbearance, will be met by extreme resistance. We have at least 20 people who will carry signs at the base of that monstrosity, under any conditions, until the skyline is restored. Unless it's raining. Or really cold."

Contacted via phone, Lampert assured us that "Alan has told me that there's nothing to worry about. These plans are solid, and will fly through our board's approval process. Other than that formality, we really see no other obstacles. I mean, we ARE the fifth, er... third largest retailer in the nation, after all. Be sure to come to the grand opening of the new Kmart Tower! Jack Nicholson's already promised to cut the ribbon!"