ghost town studio | gts magazine

When Muzak changed its tune

by Jason Meredith | September 15, 2004

Recently the muzak genre in the restroom where I'm employed has changed. My gentlemen coworkers and I used to be welcomed into the lavatory by popular hits of the 70's and 80's - but now we have to endure classical, uppity, symphony-bullshit while we relieve ourselves.

The days of tinkling to a tenor saxophone playing to the vocals of such favorites as Hall and Oats "Private Eyes" and Van Morrison's "Moondance" are gone. And now when I visit the necessary room I imagine the unfamiliar piano notes I hear are being played by a 9 year old prodigy performing with the Kennedy Center Orchestra. Look, if I want to hear the gentle notes of a baby grand while I urinate I'll get trashed at a piano bar and piss my pants... again.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against the piano. I like "Bennie and the Jets" just as much as the next guy; and I can appreciate the sound of a full orchestra. Listening to classical music can be a good thing, but not when I'm sitting on the throne reading the headline of USA Today, it's too distracting. I'd much rather be humming along to Kool and the Gang's party classic "Celebration."

My initial reaction when I noticed this unthinkable event was "Is this some sort of sick joke?" But now that I've had time to digest this matter I feel it's possibly Muzak's attempt to transition into holiday tunes; but this is just a wishful theory. Nevertheless it won't be long before we'll be moving our bowels to the sweet sounds of "Silent Night" - what a lovely thought.

5 Songs You'll Never Hear on Muzak:
Twisted Sister - We're not gonna take it
Public Enemy - F*ck the police
Limp Bizkit - Break stuff
Snoop Dawg - Gin and juice
2 Live Crew - Me so horny